Thursday, July 19, 2012

How to Talk to Kids, Part I

     Parents are flooded with advice.  Neighbors are full of it, bookstores are loaded with it, TV shows and Internet sites are teeming with it.  But is any of it any good?
     I thought not, until the therapist who was attempting to treat my four-year-old’s tantrums recommended How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk (Quill, 1982), by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (fabermazlish.com).

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

     Unlike many so-called “parenting experts,” who have never had children themselves, the authors of this book developed their theories as they were raising their children.  They’ve even and gone back and revised the book as times—and their ideas—have changed.
     While I don’t agree with everything in the book, I found a few “nuggets” that I think are especially worthwhile.  These are a few things the authors suggest:

1.        Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected.   When children talk, listen quietly and attentively rather than immediately launching into censure or advice.  Acknowledge kids’ feelings with words like “Oh,” “mmmm…,” or “I see.”  Then give the feelings a name:  “That sounds frustrating!”  Finally, give the child his or her wishes in fantasy.  “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!”

Turning green bananas yellow:  give kids their wishes in fantasy.

2.        Use alternatives to punishment.   Punishment doesn’t work—use the following instead:  express strong disapproval of an action; state your expectations; show the child how to make amends; or allow the child to experience the consequences of misbehavior.
     For instance, if Johnny breaks Mrs. Smith’s window with a baseball, your first impulse might be to ground him for a month.  But what does making him stay home for a month have to do with the broken window?  Instead, you can remind Johnny that you have told him umpteen times NOT to play baseball in the front yard, and that breaking windows is unacceptable.
     You can also tell Johnny that from now on, you expect him to play baseball either in the back yard or in the park.  Finally, you can encourage Johnny to apologize to Mrs. Smith, and tell him the price of the window repair will come out of his allowance for as many months as that may take.
     Better than grounding?  I think so, and Johnny will probably think so, too.


Broken windows:  rather than punish, teach kids to deal with the consequences.

3.  Allow children to help solve problems.  When a child’s behavior is causing a problem, ask the child how he/she feels about the problem, and explain how you feel about it.  Next, brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution.  Write down all ideas—however crazy—without evaluating them.  Finally, decide together which proposal to adopt. 


Solve problems together by making lists of proposals.

     Now, this last item strikes me as a good idea, but I’m going to have to put it in practice a few times before I become a believer.  I’m not sure my kids will take the procedure seriously enough to offer any valid solutions—but I could be wrong.  I hope so.
     I’ll have more ideas from the book in my next blog entry.

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