I thought not,
until the therapist who was attempting to treat my four-year-old’s tantrums
recommended How to Talk so Kids Will
Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk (Quill, 1982), by Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish (fabermazlish.com).
Unlike many
so-called “parenting experts,” who have never had children themselves, the
authors of this book developed their theories as they were raising their
children. They’ve even and gone back and
revised the book as times—and their ideas—have changed.
While I don’t
agree with everything in the book, I found a few “nuggets” that I think are
especially worthwhile. These are a few
things the authors suggest:
1.
Children need to have their feelings
accepted and respected. When
children talk, listen quietly and attentively rather than immediately launching
into censure or advice. Acknowledge
kids’ feelings with words like “Oh,” “mmmm…,” or “I see.” Then give the feelings a name: “That sounds frustrating!” Finally, give the child his or her wishes in
fantasy. “I wish I could make the banana
ripe for you right now!”
Turning green bananas yellow: give kids their wishes in fantasy. |
2.
Use alternatives to punishment. Punishment doesn’t work—use the following
instead: express strong disapproval of an
action; state your expectations; show the child how to make amends; or allow
the child to experience the consequences of misbehavior.
For
instance, if Johnny breaks Mrs. Smith’s window with a baseball, your first
impulse might be to ground him for a month.
But what does making him stay home for a month have to do with the
broken window? Instead, you can remind
Johnny that you have told him umpteen times NOT to play baseball in the front
yard, and that breaking windows is unacceptable.
You can also tell Johnny that from now on, you expect him to play baseball either in the back yard or in the park. Finally, you can encourage Johnny to apologize to Mrs. Smith, and tell him the price of the window repair will come out of his allowance for as many months as that may take.
You can also tell Johnny that from now on, you expect him to play baseball either in the back yard or in the park. Finally, you can encourage Johnny to apologize to Mrs. Smith, and tell him the price of the window repair will come out of his allowance for as many months as that may take.
Better than
grounding? I think so, and Johnny will
probably think so, too.
Broken windows: rather than punish, teach kids to deal with the consequences. |
3. Allow
children to help solve problems.
When a child’s behavior is causing a problem, ask the child how he/she
feels about the problem, and explain how you feel about it. Next, brainstorm together to find a mutually
agreeable solution. Write down all ideas—however
crazy—without evaluating them. Finally,
decide together which proposal to adopt.
Solve problems together by making lists of proposals. |
Now, this last
item strikes me as a good idea, but I’m going to have to put it in practice a
few times before I become a believer. I’m
not sure my kids will take the procedure seriously enough to offer any valid
solutions—but I could be wrong. I hope
so.
I’ll have more
ideas from the book in my next blog entry.
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